i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
