Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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