i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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