why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
