people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
