last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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