I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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