Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize