this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
