btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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