Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
