Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
