sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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