too bad you live with your parents still
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
