Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the condom got lost in my hair
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
