I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If I die, sorry about rent.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
