im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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