gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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