i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
