3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize