I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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