Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
