I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Success! We fucked roommates!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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