How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
