you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
