I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
