The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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