i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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