My room smells like vodka and shame
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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