I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize