Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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