i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize