i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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