at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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