i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
