no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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