he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
