I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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