wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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