i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
