Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
