So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
