I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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