That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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