we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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