Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
