If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
