Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
