the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize