His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
