I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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