Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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