Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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