So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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