i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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