its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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